Umělec magazine 2001/3 >> Jesus 2001 List of all editions.
Jesus 2001
Umělec magazine
Year 2001, 3
6,50 EUR
Send the printed edition:
Order subscription

Jesus 2001

Umělec magazine 2001/3


Ivan Mečl | media | en cs

"He’s back again, just as His henchmen and fanatical followers predicted. Yes, He’s
really here, showing His true face, the one His fans have kept disguised for so long under a martyr’s veil. And once again the brave will be needed to instruct Him, just as they were two thousand years ago.

Surprised, aren’t you!? But let’s not walk around a cooling corpse bemoaning the obvious fact that no one other than the most spoiled Son of the very richest Father
(owner of all, in fact) could afford a Porsche. He’s got it, and it’s not the only luxury item this eternally young yuppie flaunts. Well, no doubt He needs compensating for the injustice He suffered all alone on earth, when He was far from His Father’s watchful eye, and for the time some folks nailed him drunk to a bathroom door to punish him for
causing such mischief.
But how can we know about His current spending habits when all we have are old tales about His smart stunts at the dusk of primeval times? Has He risen from the anonymity of the countless representations fashioned with the brushes of thousands of fanatical painters and illustrators? Wake up! He’s among us.
I won’t keep you on tenterhooks. Jesus has His own website at
It is small wonder that domain racketeers didn’t snatch it up before He got it, because you could make a hell of a lot of money with it. The “eternal life” this rascal has been offering for centuries to His shareholders was of course the first asset He put up for auction. But as the business plan is impossible to evaluate, shares in this paradise cannot be traded.
What the website shows is that the immortal superhero has once again slipped out of His Father’s clutches. He’d been living in His room for so long that humankind had begun to idolize Him. Two thousand years after His indecent stunts in Judea, He’s portrayed on the web splashing around with naked girls in a bathtub and inviting more to join in through a digital contest entitled “Win a Bath with Jesus.”
There are two explanations for the fact that He advocates fusion with Allah on His website, drinks beer and has no qualms demonstrating His pedophile tendencies to the lovely Barbie (a photograph shows Jesus caught red-handed by supermarket security petting the fruit of children’s imagination): Either His Daddy has gone far away to create other imperfect worlds or the hooligan is really an orphan, as many idealistic skeptics claimed a hundred years ago.
It is also apparent that the Son has worked out the new market economy in no time. In fact, it’s a surprise that VISA hasn’t used Jesus on their cards yet, for today His shooing of traffickers from temples would be nothing but overlooking the log in His eye. No, He’s seen a niche, and has decided to offer His own set of credit cards. There are a variety of types and services to choose from. Depending on the agreed credit limit and interest rate, travel insurance and discounts in associated companies, the cards range from your basic Classic Jesus through hip middle class Cool Jesus and executive Miracle Jesus, with a measure of free indulgence every month, to Sensual Jesus, aimed at the most extravagant and perverse oddballs. Naturally, each card bears an image of Jesus, the depiction suited to what the given card allows its holder. The Sensual Jesus card shows Him taking a bath.
History has documented what a bad philosopher Jesus was. More than anything it is the story of the horrible tragedies His teachings brought about. But He hasn’t given up. Once again He offers several social-political reflections on the real meaning of Easter, the death penalty, modern confusion, pop culture and the Kurt Cobain generation. As usual it is a shameful ejaculation, but no doubt it will give rise to the Newer Testament. There will always be a sufficient number of forlorn wasters to follow His freakish
teachings, drunkenly stumbling in the footsteps of the Master in the hope they can achieve martyrdom.
This is the first time, however, that Jesus has walked the thin ice of testing a new discipline He has no experience with, as far as we know: music. And the Internet — the new medium — has allowed Him to present His work as performed by the composer, Himself. I dare not judge His musical compositions in any strict fashion, as the scope of readers’ patience might be wide enough to allow admiration of these sentimental and depressing preludes. However I can say that this is not industrial experiment, and nor is it the rhythmic essence of pulsing noise; He aspires in His music toward the classical.
Judging from the press coverage and the photographs sent to Jesus by His female admirers, He’s behaving like an experienced movie star, having found His turf in PR campaigns promoting His excesses. Just like any star, Jesus needs the kind of scandal that will heighten His popularity: One extreme example has one of His female fans fornicating with a statue of the crucified savior. He should watch out for puritans, though, to be sure they don’t nail Him to a door again.



There are currently no comments.

Add new comment

Recommended articles

Intoxicated by Media Déjà-vu / Notes on Oliver Pietsche"s Image Strategy Intoxicated by Media Déjà-vu / Notes on Oliver Pietsche"s Image Strategy
Goff & Rosenthal gallery, Berlin, November 18 - December 30, 2006 Society permanently renegotiates the definition of drugs and our relationship towards them. In his forty-five minute found-footage film The Conquest of Happiness, produced in 2005, Oliver Pietsch, a Berlin-based video artist, demonstrates which drugs society can accommodate, which it cannot, and how the story of the drugs can be…
My Career in Poetry or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Institution My Career in Poetry or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Institution
An American poet was invited to the White House in order to read his controversial plagiarized poetry. All tricked out and ready to do it his way, he comes to the “scandalous” realization that nothing bothers anyone anymore, and instead of banging your head against the wall it is better to build you own walls or at least little fences.
African Vampires in the Age of Globalisation African Vampires in the Age of Globalisation
"In Cameroon, rumours abound of zombie-labourers toiling on invisible plantations in an obscure night-time economy."
Terminator vs. Avatar: Notes on Accelerationism Terminator vs. Avatar: Notes on Accelerationism
Why political intellectuals, do you incline towards the proletariat? In commiseration for what? I realize that a proletarian would hate you, you have no hatred because you are bourgeois, privileged, smooth-skinned types, but also because you dare not say that the only important thing there is to say, that one can enjoy swallowing the shit of capital, its materials, its metal bars, its polystyrene…
04.02.2020 10:17
Where to go next?
out - archeology
S.d.Ch, Solitaires and Periphery Culture (a generation born around 1970)
S.d.Ch, Solitaires and Periphery Culture (a generation born around 1970)
Josef Jindrák
Who is S.d.Ch? A person of many interests, active in various fields—literature, theater—known for his comics and collages in the art field. A poet and playwright foremost. A loner by nature and determination, his work doesn’t meet the current trends. He always puts forth personal enunciation, although its inner structure can get very complicated. It’s pleasant that he is a normal person and a…
Spaghetti Sauce on Your Moo Shoo Pork
Charlie Citron
Road trip Lithuania
Road trip Lithuania
Arunase Gudaitas
Aš menininkas — Aš save myliu Vincent van Gogh in one letter to his brother described a café as a place where one could easily go insane. The café in the Center for Contemporary Art (CAC) in Vilnius is such a place. Insider connoisseurs of the local scene consider it “very bohemian” and, indeed, in contrast to traditionally lackluster and overpriced eateries in museums, the atmosphere in the CAC…
Under the Shadow of Heroes
Under the Shadow of Heroes
Alena Boika
Books, video, editions and artworks that might interest you Go to e-shop
Straw Hat, 2008, acrylic painting on canvas, 40 x 30 cm, on frame
More info...
1 250 EUR
1 528 USD
Hardcover large book of 312 pages || 220 x 255 x 50 mm || Text by: April Dolkar, Václav Dejčmar, Otto Flores Sáenz, Mnislav...
More info...
44 EUR
54 USD
A book of graphic stories by the French artist Mad Meg with liberal, security and economicistic thematics for all the wretched...
More info...
11 EUR
13 USD
2004, 35.5 x 28 cm (3 Pages), Pen & Ink Comic
More info...
780 EUR
954 USD


Divus and its services

Studio Divus designs and develops your ideas for projects, presentations or entire PR packages using all sorts of visual means and media. We offer our clients complete solutions as well as all the individual steps along the way. In our work we bring together the most up-to-date and classic technologies, enabling us to produce a wide range of products. But we do more than just prints and digital projects, ad materials, posters, catalogues, books, the production of screen and space presentations in interiors or exteriors, digital work and image publication on the internet; we also produce digital films—including the editing, sound and 3-D effects—and we use this technology for web pages and for company presentations. We specialize in ...

Citation of the day. Publisher is not liable for any mental and physical states which may arise after reading the quote.

Enlightenment is always late.
CONTACTS AND VISITOR INFORMATION The entire editorial staff contacts



Arch 8, Resolution Way, Deptford

London SE8 4NT, United Kingdom
Open on appointment


7 West Street, Hastings
East Sussex, TN34 3AN
, United Kingdom
Open on appointment

Ivan Mečl, +44 (0) 7526 902 082

Kyjov 37, 407 47 Krásná Lípa
Czech Republic
+420 222 264 830, +420 602 269 888

Open daily 10am to 6pm
and on appointment.


Potsdamer Str. 161, 10783 Berlin
Germany, +49 (0) 1512 9088 150
Open on appointment.



Divus New book by I.M.Jirous in English at our online bookshop.